At some point, it became okay for you to ask me about my sex life. You and your southern cronies have fine-tuned the questions to the point that they don’t even seem overtly offensive anymore. Below, you will find my working responses to your inquiries as they pertain to my pre, mid, and post child-bearing body.
How many kids are ya’ll gonna have?
We were totally gonna go all Duggar — but then we met your brood. I’m back on the pill.
You’ve been married for six months, Hon. When you gonna start a family?
I’m actually ovulating right now. I’ve asked the Mister to come home at lunch to pound away at me with no condom on, after which, I intend to lay on my back with my legs in the air for a minimum of ten minutes. So — fingers crossed!
Congratulations! Ya’ll were tryin’ forever, weren’t you?
Actually, we only had unprotected sex twice before we conceived. I’m left to assume you’re alluding to the first four blissful, childless years of our marriage. Those were on purpose. See — we are totally in love and saw no need to start spilling out babies to fill in the unspoken voids. But, jeepers, if we did have trouble conceiving, it makes me feel really good to know that you have opinions about that.
Look at you, Guuurl! You’re havin’ that baby any minute, right?
Not for three more months you bitch. But thanks for pointing out that I’m a fat-ass. I’ll just keep that one for a rainy day — in the pocket underneath my elastic waistband.
Motherhood is such a blessin’. It just flies by! Are you savorin’ every minute?
Abso-fucking-lutely. Like, last night, when it was my husband’s turn to rock the baby and instead he put the pillow over his head and fell back to sleep? That was too perfect for words. I didn’t even imagine pressing it around his head with my three am super-fury and holding it there until he stopped breathing. Cuz’ I was too busy thinking how uh-mazing motherhood is.
When ya’ll gonna have another?
The thought of putting our entire lives on hold for another few years is almost too good to be true. But more importantly, we can’t wait to subscribe to the social formula that dictates ‘where there’s one, there must be two’.
Yesterday, girl. We want another one yesterday!
*Originally published in the Human Parts collection on Medium